hopes and fears

song of the blog: "we might as well be strangers" by keane

so i find myself at the computer, like i am most nights, and i caught myself pondering things...another thing that i do most nights. anyway, i was thinking about valentine's day...*interruption*

i just got a knock on my door...which is incredibly random for where i live and, the people who i know who live out this way don't exactly stop by at 10:28 on a wednesday night to say hi. so back to the knock, i check it out and it is of course not anyone i know, but the guy didn't look menacing so i opened up and he was like, you left you keys in the door...

what?

awesome ryan, you left your keys, which pretty much contains your life in a little ring, out for all the world to see and to take. fortunately enough, dan (that was his name), was cool enough to inform me and save me from a panic attack tomorrow morning when i couldn't find my keys. thanks dan, the tomorrow ryan greatly appreciates your gesture.

alright, so back to the v-day pondering...i've always been a fan of the day, unlike most of the people i know for some reason. i know it's a pseudo holiday, but it's still fun to celebrate it, whether or not i am in a relationship or interested in a girl or just living it up being single. but my thinking doesn't have much to do with the celebration of the day or the festivities, it has to do more with other things.

i'm definitely looking forward to my plans tomorrow, but i worry that my mind won't be where i would want it to be. no, it's not going there, but because i'm still torn inside from a recent wound, i don't know if i'll be just playing the part or actually in the moment. is that fair to me or the other person if i'm in that state? does getting over things mean i have to move on to someone else, or does it mean that i just remain by myself for a few more months? i'm just tired of messing things up and things not working.

i know, i know, i just need to give things up to God, and i do try, but it's just tough sometimes. and it of course doesn't help that i have plenty of free time at night...that's why i try to stay busy during the week so i don't have time to think about this stuff and i just let it all happen. i know for some people that doing things, like going out, etc., is because they have fun, but it's so much more than just that for me.

i can handle a little alone time, but i'm not a fan because i just mull over things and get myself into these stupid ruts that don't do me any good. and now, i think i've bared enough of my soul to my online journal.

"I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart"

ciao bella,
rhino

two roads

i totally forgot that i had already made this blog until today. thinking about it, i remember one night that i really wanted to start writing again (i had one a long time ago, but dropped it because i thought i should...not really sure why now though). after checking out my some of friends blogs recently, i decided that i would start things up for real.

geez, where to start...for one, i hope that no one takes what i write out of context...i imagine that only people i know will read this, if any. then again, i think that is what most people hope for when they write on these things. i'm sure there are exceptions, but for the most part i think that blogging is just a way to emote things in another media.

i keep thinking that i have to update or write in a consistent manner, but i have to keep reminding myself that it's my blog and that mean i can do it whenever i want. the whole independence thing (life, job, graduation, etc.) is still new to me because i'm so used to following some sort of guidelines. now the only thing i have that really does keep my in check is a job, but even then, after 5:00 it's back to my life and no structure.

i've tried getting down some good habits, like being involved at church, eating right and going to the gym...i think that i'm doing a good job at that sort of stuff, but there's no one to tell me or give me a "grade," if you will, so i have nothing really to say if it's "A" student material, or "C" student material (like i'm more use to). it's weird being out and trying to figure it all out for yourself, especially if half of your heart is still in the midwest.

i'm trying to transition still and i do love it out here on the east coast...i guess it's just something that comes along with time...like the longer i spend out here, the more acclimated i will become to the area and what not. and then i think, i don't want to get acclimated, that sounds like i'm forcing myself to conform to an area that i might not fit into exactly, and that's no good. i don't know, it's just some of the things i think about sometimes and it makes me wonder where i'm supposed to be right now.

there is a lot going for me now though, but i always feel like there could be more...who knows, only time will tell i suppose.

ciao for now,
-rhino