hopes and fears

song of the blog: "we might as well be strangers" by keane

so i find myself at the computer, like i am most nights, and i caught myself pondering things...another thing that i do most nights. anyway, i was thinking about valentine's day...*interruption*

i just got a knock on my door...which is incredibly random for where i live and, the people who i know who live out this way don't exactly stop by at 10:28 on a wednesday night to say hi. so back to the knock, i check it out and it is of course not anyone i know, but the guy didn't look menacing so i opened up and he was like, you left you keys in the door...

what?

awesome ryan, you left your keys, which pretty much contains your life in a little ring, out for all the world to see and to take. fortunately enough, dan (that was his name), was cool enough to inform me and save me from a panic attack tomorrow morning when i couldn't find my keys. thanks dan, the tomorrow ryan greatly appreciates your gesture.

alright, so back to the v-day pondering...i've always been a fan of the day, unlike most of the people i know for some reason. i know it's a pseudo holiday, but it's still fun to celebrate it, whether or not i am in a relationship or interested in a girl or just living it up being single. but my thinking doesn't have much to do with the celebration of the day or the festivities, it has to do more with other things.

i'm definitely looking forward to my plans tomorrow, but i worry that my mind won't be where i would want it to be. no, it's not going there, but because i'm still torn inside from a recent wound, i don't know if i'll be just playing the part or actually in the moment. is that fair to me or the other person if i'm in that state? does getting over things mean i have to move on to someone else, or does it mean that i just remain by myself for a few more months? i'm just tired of messing things up and things not working.

i know, i know, i just need to give things up to God, and i do try, but it's just tough sometimes. and it of course doesn't help that i have plenty of free time at night...that's why i try to stay busy during the week so i don't have time to think about this stuff and i just let it all happen. i know for some people that doing things, like going out, etc., is because they have fun, but it's so much more than just that for me.

i can handle a little alone time, but i'm not a fan because i just mull over things and get myself into these stupid ruts that don't do me any good. and now, i think i've bared enough of my soul to my online journal.

"I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart"

ciao bella,
rhino